I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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