I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
