sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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