He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
