I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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