DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Girls should come with a carfax report
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Randomize
