we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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