I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
