I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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