And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
