I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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