she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
