Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
