please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
