Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
