textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
