god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
