I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
