Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
