so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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