I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
