i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
