I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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