its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
