You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
