Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
