He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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