Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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