I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
