I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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