Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
