So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
