don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
