Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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