my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
