why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
