when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
it's like iHOP with fire
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
