I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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