Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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