ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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