I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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