Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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