Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
