I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
