I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
