oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
