he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
