i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
