I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
if only i could text you this smell
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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