Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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