i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
